C-Section Satire

 

I read an article the other day that was so ridiculous I thought it was satire.

It wasn’t.

This article focused on five awesome moments that only women who have had a c-section get to experience. To be fair, the titles of the five points were understandable (to a degree), but as I read what was written under them I couldn’t stop thinking, “That does not sound awesome; that sounds horrible.”

Now the person who shared this article, bless her heart, was very well-meaning. She even prefaced it with the fact that she, herself, had never had a c-section but thought this was a positive article for moms who had. Now, I don’t claim to be a spokesperson for all those who have had c-sections, but I have had one and I’d like to throw my hat into the ring and make my own list.

I came up with my own five awesome moments only women who have had c-sections get to experience. I apologize in advance for making everybody else jealous. It’s only fair and expected with c-sections being comparable to…you know…chocolate and butterflies, walks in the park, beach days and snow days and a few more of these favorite things.

Hint: satire ahead.

1. The Operating Room

The operating room is a magical place where dreams come true…if you love horror movies. It is the only place where it is acceptable to strap another person to a table, cut them open and ask them if they want to watch. OH, and don’t forget, YOU GET TO BRING A FRIEND! BONUS! Obviously, my bogo was Kris because it was an AWESOME moment.

You know, at one point in our relationship, all I wanted to do was impress him. I didn’t talk about poop; I shied away from embarrassing topics; I generally tried to put my best foot forward. Last night we were discussing young love and the passionate feeling you get for somebody when you are falling for each other at the beginning of the relationship. “What happens to that?” I asked Kris right before I ripped a BIG one. “THAT! THAT IS WHAT HAPPENS TO IT!” Kris practically hollered.

Sorry, I disagree. You know what happens to it? C-sections. Why? Because as I mentioned, you are laying on a table and they literally CUT YOU OPEN. And, if your partner so should choose, he is welcome to take a peek into your innards. Not a peek into your soul, not a peek into your heart, but a peek into your actual body cavity with guts, blood, a uterus and omg all.that.fat. He gets to see that fat from the inside. This guy I once was so concerned with impressing had to go sit against the wall because it made him sick.

So I’m sorry, pardon my fart,  but I’m gonna say we were doomed anyway after this.

#Bejealous

2. The Uterus Scar

Battle wounds, the badge of honor. I’ve got one. Some people have many. Some of you have none, and I just feel so bad for you because, well, because of this awesome moment of c-section-ville you are less likely to have your uterus blow up.

I really don’t know if there is much more to write about this.

#Awesome

3. The Excruciating Pain

If I wouldn’t have had a c-section, I wouldn’t know how awesome it would feel to be stabbed in the stomach every time I sneezed, coughed or laughed. And have you ever really lived if you haven’t experienced a good stabbing? (The answer is obviously no.)

The pain was so intense I actually told the nurse that I was sure something was seriously wrong. “My uterus blew up.” “No honey, the pain is normal. Just hold a pillow against your stomach and it will help.”

LIES! It just muffled my screaming.

The pain was so intense that, when I walked, a snail could have lapped me. I looked like female Quasimodo, if he would have worn a hospital gown (with his booty flapping in the wind) and if he would have used an IV pole as a crutch. The pain was so intense that I cried when I took showers and, in fact,  I actually got stuck in one once a few days after my surgery. I couldn’t step my giant elephant foot (more on this later) over the tub wall. You know who had to rescue me? Kris. Kris, the love of my life, the one I so desperately at one point had wanted to impress.

Ladies, I see all these stupid memes that talk about marrying the man who will watch you sleep and marry the man who will never blink because he doesn’t want to miss a moment of your life. NO. Stop that. Marry the man who will come rescue you from the shower, towel you off, and tell you you are still beautiful (even though he will obviously be lying in the moment) while you send up a prayer that he is freaking closing his eyes (as you avoid looking at him) because NOTHING (NOTHING!) after having a c-section is very pretty.

For the record, the pain also caused me to get stuck on the toilet, but, for the sake of all decency and respect, we are just not even going to go there.

Maybe we should just hash tag this point, #c-sections are awesome because now I know what it feels like to barely be able to wipe my own butt and be run over by a car all on the same day. (It seemed a little long to run it all together.)

4. Staples

Personally, one of the best experiences of my whole c-section was getting staples in my stomach! This part could be described as the cherry on top of a fantastic delivery.

Now, my experience with staples was a little unique to my situation because I left the hospital 24 hours after my surgery. Before my doctor released me she informed me I would have to come back to get my staples out. Because my daughter was in the NICU an hour and half away, I politely told my doctor that I wasn’t coming back until A did. That’s when my mom chimed in.

“I’ll take them out.” (Cue my doctor and me whipping our heads around to look at my dear mother who had been silently listening to the conversation.)

“Say what?”

“I’ve done it before. It’s no big deal.”

Now let me clarify: my mom is not a psycho – she’s a nurse. So it was settled. In three days my mom would remove my staples. The doctor slipped us a removal kit and told us not to show it to anybody. Three days later I had the joy of all my decency and privacy being stripped away again as my mother gleefully pulled the staples out of my body. Can we say bonding experience?! We’ve never been closer.

#Thanksmom!

5. Elephant Legs

My last awesome moment.

286

Anybody out there have a spirit animal? Mine’s the elephant  because once upon a time I turned into one. My legs were so big that I could not fit my calf into the thigh hole of my pants. My legs were so big that Kris had serious concerns about me walking on them and tried to push me around in a wheelchair. My legs were so big that I started to worry if they would have to be amputated because obviously all the blood in my body was down there and there would surely not be enough left in a few days for my heart.

You should know if they pump your body with fluids and drugs, then you have surgery, and then you don’t sit down, you will grow by exponential sizes…kinda like those kids’ toys you can put in water and watch expand.

#Biggerisbetter

So that’s it. My five awesome moments that only ladies who have had c-sections get to experience. Of course, I left a lot off this list like not being able to exercise for two months, the drugs, the joy of 19 hours of labor before having surgery (best of both worlds!) and I’m sure I’ve forgotten many more. Feel free to add to the list…I’m sure we can make “awesomec-sections” a trending topic by morning. 😉

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2 comments

  1. Awesome recreation…I have had 2, one after 15 hrs labor and one scheduled. This conversation made my day thank you!

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